1. |
Caliban
01:56
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my dear caliban of the bedroom
you've run afoul of another old adage
you're hitting every branch these days
on your way down to...
every bruise you can accumulate
on your way down to...
on your way down to...
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2. |
No Doctor
02:29
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sit back and relax
you'll go nowhere fast
collect all your thoughts
you're better than that
forgive me pointing this in your direction
but have you forgotten the locations
of the landmines that you planted for me?
there's no chair
no desk
no doctor sat across
so i guess i'll do it where's near
give me a shovel and i'll bury us here
all spies train their eyes
on the green light
doesn't feel right
this what i'm doing
my trigger finger has no itch left
when you hollowed me out
you even robbed me of that
there's no chair
no desk
no doctor sat across
so i guess i'll do it where's near
give me a shovel and i'll bury us here
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3. |
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dearest loved ones i present myself:
an automaton, polished, externally healed
functioning, surface level, socially reformed
rabbits' warrens of pain half filled in
with dirt, filler, empty, meaningless
a burial site, façade, a tombstone
to someone still alive
a gravestone that lies
a shell of a shell of a shell...
let's get the shovels out
let's see what's inside
unclench your fist this time
ancestor mine
fat man, he primes, he says
"insolent child
don't you understand a thing?
who was your teacher?"
child says
"no one,
i think that's the point...
what about you?"
and then he strikes.
and in my memory i felt nothing at all
but i knew you met your mark
and i waded through casualties searching for her
she sinks through the sea
i drown every time
i drown every time
i...
i belong in the dirt by her side
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4. |
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5. |
Decline
04:32
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[opportunists' open season
reinforce all i believe in]
acquiesced upon my safety
to be traded in for oxygen
has to be one or the other
and it has to be the one i want least
worlds apart when i need you most
and i'm waiting out my dying youth
falling to the earth so slowly
to burn up as i catch sight of you down there
so resumes my demise
long forgot
the source of my decline
all alone before i knew you
all alone was all i ever was
felt it more than anyone else
when her hands were trying to form a noose
[perpetrator, pull my hair out
next time will be kill or be killed]
breaking from the cycle's worthless
when i met the threshold years ago
poisoned by some agitator
now the shell of me is in your arms 'til when...
so resumes my demise
long forgot
the source of my decline
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6. |
You Are A Hostage
04:48
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you are a hostage
you are a host
and in the mirror
you've seen the worst
you are a hostage
you are a host
the memory's hazy
the wounds still burst
there is no greater fear than your own shadow
where's the fireman when i need him?
all these years i waited for him
every stranger smells the burning
and it won't go out for nothing
oh hi
i thought you should know
that i still have nightmares
i still wonder about every siren
am i like them?
every siren
am i like them?
i chase epiphanies
i kill myself for them
someone wrote me
a true tragedy
three acts
am i in the third?
am i in the third?
what do i care?
i'm painting my flag white anyway.
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7. |
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8. |
Fall Damage
05:32
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would you have stayed alive if you knew what your future would hold
being bound to the same misery that plagued you then?
i've seen it grind through the layers of my reason, in turn
i had words but they faded into empty seating
and they'll fill out for me once i have nothing left to say
oh that girl, the one with sharpened eyes and hair like tree roots?
well you always dreamed of being something that you were not
maybe the Y turned you to a shadow of who you are
and if everyone indulges you is that not enough?
but this curse is the smallest in my pandora's box
if i folded my hand is there a new one waiting?
would i wake up a product of a new mother's womb?
my balance on the fence showed its first sign of shaking
and when it's dark i can't see on which side i'm falling
but my anchor it cries to me
"i will not lose you"
each tide's like
an arrow in the back
i don't know what's damaged
i'm hiding the wound
sparing your concern
the best that i can
and we move like ghosts in the night
the world's a chorus of alarms
each stranger is a murderer
and i'm their only prey
until the end
i am you now
my curse is yours
i am you
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9. |
Anhedonia Aesthetic
03:08
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cross legged on the concrete
barely above the dirt
i can only stay calm so long
i've been trading one problem for another
all the time
all my life
every "what the fuck am i doing?"
every word that i stumble upon
oh you've come for my dignity?
you can have that
because i am a sellout, bitch, on your way out...
ok i think it goes something like:
there's always something i'm forgetting
and forgetting is what i do best...
take inspiration from the cockroaches
perennial social intimidation be damned...
and if there's no pleasure in that
that's all on you
and if there's no deeper meaning to it
that's all on you
that's all on you.
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10. |
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safety alone
follow me and you'll go down
swallowing whole
and spitting knives back up
where's my respite?
i've forgotten...
where's my respite?
i have lost that.
where's my respite?
i have lost that amongst
billowing smoke
that marks my decline
out of control
out of my grasp
out of my life.
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11. |
Fat Man
04:59
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an accident to which
only i bore witness
mistaken for some kind
of insolent defiance
an x on the map
fat man's destination
trigger finger jittering
judge, jury, the other one...
examine the cause
conclude you were right
destroy evidence
untrustworthy witness am i
"so come on
and learn to love the bomb"
on grinding through the mill
i'm glowing ever slightly wrong
they will sniff it out like dogs
and know to keep their distance
there is no mask
that could hide me from you
i examine the cause
i conclude you were wrong
oh what have i done?
i climb deep inside
the mirrors of time
the scene of the crime
my own blood on my hands
you washed yourself off
then i fell in line
and though how i bathed
it never came off
it never comes off
well may that be the best part of me.
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12. |
Apocalypse
02:03
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